I've come to the realization that going to weight watchers, losing weight must needs be somewhat selfish.  Which I think is one reason why I have drifted off the plan in times past.  AND why this time I told myself - It's my turn.  It's my time.  I had gotten scary heavy.  I didn't want to go through my old age at that size.  And I'm getting there - old age, that is.  So...I put people out. I make them wait while I go to meetings.  And I eat the food that will fit my WW budget.

Look at this photo.  All these ladies have slender necks.  And mine has a gorgle hanging down.  My face is very filled out.

On  the other hand, I was strong enough, determined enough last summer to put on a swim suit and have some fun at the beach with my grandkids.  In fact, I even had to cross a street in front of cars with only my swimsuit on.  (Oh My!).  I just held up my head and pretended that of course I had every right to be there.  I haven't worn a swimsuit, I think, since I was in my 20's.  I also didn't feel ugly.  I'm so glad.  I have felt ugly much of my life.  Now even at my heaviest, I didn't feel ugly. That's a big deal to me.  A healing.
So now I'm on a new journey.  And I'm determined.  Yesterday was Valentines day.  I ate chocolate.  I did.  More than I wish I had.  Then for dinner, I just had a little protein.  And I survived. And I only went two points over my daily amount.
Today was a new day.
I have lost 25 pounds and counting.  I've lost a pound this week.  It would be nice to add to it before Saturday.  I just stay within my points and the weight comes off.  Not really fast.  But I have toooooo much to lose to do it fast.  So a pound or pound and a half a week - that's quite alright.  And if I weren't going to WW, I'd still be gaining.
So - 25 down.  50 to go.  Patience, patience.

My Weight Loss Journey
Last October, end of, I decided that my weight had gotten scary high.  It was time to do something. i joined weight watchers.  My thinking:  It's my turn.  It's my time.  It takes a little selfishness to be determined about something like that. I realized that as I went to WW even when I had a house full of company.
Sometimes I want something and need to make it fit into WW.  One example: at Christmas time we had lots of See's.  Oh Yeah! And I ate all that I wanted.  What I did to make up for it is cut back on some of the healthier food!  But it was just for a short time.  During that week and a half I gained 1 pound.  Not bad for eating all the chocolate I wanted!
Tomorrow is Valentines Day.  I figured out that no one but me was going to get me the chocolate that I really wanted - Sees chocolate truffles.  So I got 1/2 pound.  Yikes!  That was Saturday, right after WW.  I survived Saturday.  Actually what I did was, I ate brunch about 10 after WW, went to See's. Ate chocolate and figured I'd better skip lunch.  I went to the stake center at 5:30 to practice for stake conference.  I was going to eat an In n Out burger, but the line would have taken an hour. hmph! so i left and was going to stop at Jack in the Box on my way home. I turned in, but there was a taco place next door.  I decided to stop, hoping they would have some of those street tacos.  They did.  I got 2 carne asada tacos, ate just one each of the tortillas.  And I ended up losing weight the next morning!! Oh yeah!
Last night, of course I had some chocolate.  It was so good.  And I pretty much used up my points so I went to bed hungry.  I thought - I really don't want that scale to go up.  I've been waiting for it to get to this next decade number.  So I went to bed hungry.  Went on our walk hungry and now I've had breakfast - good old eggs and an orange.  And my sufficiency has been suffancified.  :)  and just for the record I've lost 25 pounds.  50 to go.

April 9, 2015
It was a rotten day.  I tried my best to be mean.  I don't think I can be much meaner. If I had high blood pressure... Well, I'm glad I don't.  My class this year I think is my toughest ever.  Jose does whatever he wants - no work. He plays all day and bothers people. and me. There's Zye'airre, who seems to have some emotional issues. Yesterday she cried - loudly - all morning.  There's Jaelen who came to school after spring break, crying hysterically, saying that her grandpa had been stabbed, etc. - a lie.  Then the rest of the class which has the normal noisy, etc students.  I have a hard time teaching. Yesterday I had them write their spelling words for about 45 minutes because that was the only thing they could do without being so loud that i could not hear a student sitting next to me reading. It is so frustrating.  Tonight I was making lesson plans for next week and I thought - what's the point?! But I don't give up easily.  Tomorrow it's M&M's. Yep. I'm going for bribery.  I'll see if that brings a sweeter result!
Tuesday I got hearing aids. I got good ones. They are costing a pretty penny. But they seem to be good and they're supposed to be very good.  People sound loud.  Our walks in the morning have been quite noisy with all the birds that are singing. I'm anxious for Sunday - to see if I can hear in ward council and if I can hear the YW speak in class.  I'm excited about that.
Tomorrow's Friday. Thank goodness. I got my lesson plans done tonight so that i can have some fun on the weekend. Mostly sewing. I want to make a blanket for little Baby Boy Ray and one for Becca, also a boy!  I got my car washed today. It is so nice!  Sunday, I'm going over to Casandra's for dinner and to meet their friend Ray.  Yikes.  I've already met him, but not talked to him.  I feel like throwing up just thinking of it. I cannot imagine anyone being interested in dating me.  Friends - sure. but dating????  I cannot imagine that anything will come of it.  I know that if , well, I think that if I were not so heavy I would have some confidence.  I need to go back to weight watchers just so i feel better. I feel good about myself when talking to people. And I have a lot of men friends, which surprises me.  I remember thinking after getting divorced that i would never talk to a man again. I think that was because I couldn't talk to Herb. Well, we've been divorced for about 8+ years. And I am finally ready to move on. But I still cannot imagine that anything will come of this. And that's ok. I already have a good life. a good amount of friends.  Life is good. Even happy. So - no worries! Just go and have a good time with Casandra's family who I love!

A Wedding Day

Today was the wedding of Bryan Stoa. The sealing was at the Newport Temple at 10. So I left a little after 8. I was supposed to be there by 9:30. I did just fine and didn't get lost at all. It was really nice to be there without any pressure to hurry home. I stayed while they took pictures, talked to Kellie and Amy. It was very pleasant, a beautiful day, also.  Bryan just seems to glow. Azar, too. Of course, I took some snacks and water. Shirley started that tradition when Sunny got married, and the tradition continues. The snacks were very welcome. A very nice morning.
Jay Barnes said that he had taken the toll road and it had been so easy, so I decided to try it. I have been on it once before and it worked great. So I got on it, paid my $1.75 and was on my way. Somehow I got on the 405 and ended up in Westminster. Yikes! I finally found the 22 which is familiar because it goes to the Long Beach airport. So I got on it and made my way to the 55. I was glad to have my phone - too bad I didn't check it earlier! I finally got to the 91 and was coming up on a traffic jam and saw the 71 Ontario Pomona freeway and decided that I would go that route and stop at the church bookstore in Montclair. I think it was the long way to go, but at least I didn't get lost! 
I got a new dress to wear in the temple and finally arrived home about 2 or so.
Before I knew it, it was time to go to the church for the reception and ring exchange. On the way to the church (the Northpark building) I took the wrong freeway - the 210 instead of the 215. It dropped me off on a more southern part of University Parkway, but I made it to the church ok.  My lot in life seems to be to get lost and to make U turns. Oh well, I just need to make sure that I am never low on gas! I guess that's why the half tank rule (half a tank and fill it up) is one rule I keep!
It was really good to talk to old friends, to listen to their stories, renew friendships. I feel so blessed - many good friends.
Then I got home and 2 kids were waiting to talk to me. Patrick and Ashley will be coming down in May. They are making plans!
Stephanie has been planting stuff! She is so excited about it! It is fun to catch her enthusiasm for gardening!

This is a very busy time in Young Women. There is a pioneer trek coming up with various meetings before and after. YW camp is also coming with all of its attendant meetings and activities. Its a busy time of year. But...being in YW with this group of girls is one of the funnest things! With the girls we have,  there is no back-biting, no gossiping. They throw their arms around each other and love each other up (even the prickly ones). They are just amazing girls. oh they're not perfect. But very loving and forgiving. I don't even think they think of themselves as forgiving, just accepting. Camp last year was an amazing experience. I didn't know there were so many good girls in the world.  Everyone there was happy, willing, even obedient. I am excited to go again this year.
Today in church I was sitting there, listening, maybe not deeply listening. Br. Clarke talked about section 4 in the Doctrine and Covenants. He said it is a recipe for success.  The section is about missionary work, but really is about life. As he was reading it, it hit me so hard, I felt physically warm inside. I am going to serve a mission. I have always assumed that I would. Many years ago, I felt very strongly that I somehow would. I didn't know how with Herb that would happen, but I trusted the Lord that somehow it would all work out. It has always been in the back of my mind, but I really did not have a strong testimony of it. It was just - someday. Friday the first grade teachers were talking about retirement and what we'll do, where we'll live, and I said, well, I think I will probably serve a mission when I retire. I had never voiced it like that, but there it was, out in the air. Then today, the Lord caused that burning inside me that I will serve a mission. I am so excited. It gives me more motivation to get my affairs in order, to get myself in order, try harder to walk 3 miles a day. I have always wanted to serve a proselyting mission rather than a service mission. I can't without a partner. The Lord has taken me this far along the path, what other miracles are in store? I know that if I do everything I can the Lord will make up the rest. He always has, He always will. Isn't the gospel exciting?! Life is grand! By the way, a service mission will be just fine too - whatever the Lord wants me to do.
Now if I can just tame the first graders in my class, just tomorrow...one day at a time. 

Memories of My Dad

My dad and mom loved each other very much and tried not to take each other for granted. He called her Mrs. Ily = I Love You. They had ILY engraved inside their wedding bands. They had a saying for each other that meant you have to say the honest truth no holds barred, the absolute honest truth, no matter how hard or bad. It was Honest and Frank.
Dad has been gone a long time, since 1991, 22 years. I don't remember a lot of conversations, but I remember his presence. He was a happy person, for the most part. He and Mom played cards almost every night. It was not a competitive game, but it gave them a chance to talk. It used to drive Herb crazy. Herb thought the only reason to play any game was to win and he really didn't appreciate their lack of commitment to the game! But Mom and Dad just enjoyed being together.
Sometimes, especially in the summer, we would take a drive "to blow the stink off"- no air conditioning in those days.  When we were in the car, no matter where we were going, Mom and Dad were likely to start singing. By the light of the moon is one.
Dad liked radios and tinkering around. I remember him working out in the carport between the two houses we had, under the big old walnut trees, working on some wood thing.
One time Daddy said that I would not be allowed to take piano lessons if I didn't practice. From then on, nearly every time he came home, I was playing the piano.
Dad said that I should always greet people, smile, say hi. It didn't matter whether I knew them or not. He made me feel that it was kind of my job to help people be happy. He felt it was his job to be cheerful. 
Daddy wasn't much of a hugger or kisser. We always kissed them both good night. One night, Daddy came home in the middle of the night. It scared me and I ran out into the living room so scared. Daddy hugged me until I was alright. That's the only hug that I remember.
Home was a safe place to me. I felt loved, perhaps a little like a princess, being the only girl.
Mom and Dad did not yell at each other. I remember Mom getting mad. She would slam the ironing board or something. but they never yelled. ever.
Dad worked a lot. He was gone a lot. He worked on Sundays. He would go to church on Easter.
He was honest. Really honest. He was well respected for his honesty. He did a lot of deals, being in real estate and people trusted him.
Daddy was roundish and wore glasses. I suppose he wasn't the most handsomest guy. But I sure thought he was perfect. I don't remember ever wishing he were some way else.
He loved to take pictures. It got to be kind of a family joke. Whenever we went somewhere, he had to get some distance away and then we had to walk toward him and he would snap the shot. He actually was a photographer at one time.

Camp Memories

Camp was 6/11 to 6/14/13.  Short but sweet. It was such a fun week! The girls were awesome. They just amazed me. It seemed a little bit of heaven to me. They always had a good attitude - no complaining or whining! It was a little shocking!
Day 1 was filled with moving in, decorating and just very busy.
Day 2 we went on a hike - Oh what a hike for this old lady! We were mountain goats, climbing up and down rocks. That was the scariest for me. Falling is not a good thing at my age. I went up the hills as well as anyone - it was just those rocks that made me nervous. I'm sure my grandkids would have loved it! It was long. Toward the end I was getting weary, my legs were wobbly. It took us about 3 hours.  But behind me was Deena. She is a Samoan young woman and as strongly built as they usually are. She made sure that she stayed behind me so that if I fell, she could catch me! Then there was Gigi, a leader from our ward who was ahead of me, always with her hand out if I needed it. Then there was Tas, who was in our unit. She just always kept checking on me. One time, I saw her looking, almost frantically, around. I watched her, when she saw me, she smiled. I said, were you looking for me? and she had been, just to make sure I didn't get left behind somewhere. I really stayed up with everyone pretty well, but it was nice to have the girls watching out for me. The hike was long, but felt good to have done it.
Day 3 consisted of a lot of activities. We worked in a 2 1/2 acre garden, which was pretty fun! even in the heat. the girls went horseback riding. They only planned on the girls going, so I stayed behind. I had an opportunity to go later, but I had to choose between canoeing and horseback riding. and I chose canoeing. That was fun!
Every afternoon we had Meadow Time during which journals, scriptures and camp manuals were brought out. We all sat on the grass and worked in one of them. And the girls did! It was amazing to me to see so many willingly, of their own accord, take out scriptures and journals.  In our unit, Shawni(who is one of the older girls on staff and from our ward started us off right.  The first day, she came over, took out her camp manual and the Book of Mormon and showed us what scriptures to read. We shared scriptures and all read a verse or two. We continued to do likewise every day after that and so did all the other girls.  I was amazed, some would come to our group to read with us, but everyone did what they were supposed to do.
The very most amazing thing happened on Day 3. Every night we gathered for a camp fire (without the fire). We did lots of funny camp songs waiting for everyone to get there. The girls just loved this part! So the mood was silly and fun. Then we sang some reverent hymns. A unit gave the devotional and then Jay Wilson spoke. I don't know how long he spoke, but the Spirit was very thick. When he was done some girls went back to camp for their assignment. My group, I would say at least 40 girls stayed at the campfire place. By this time it was dark. Well, they didn't want the Spirit to leave. They kept singing hymns. They must have sung 10 - 15 hymns. Everything they could think of. Finally, the stargazing group was ready for us and we had to leave. It was awesome. No adults encouraged them. One of the girls got up and lead the group. And the group suggested song after song.
My unit leader, Heather, is rather fragile. She wasn't sure she could do it. I suggested that she have a priesthood blessing and members of the stake presidency gave her a blessing. And, you know what? She did it. She didn't go on the hike, but she stayed back and helped others with some cooking thing they were doing. But she did everything else. She worked in he garden, she went horseback riding, she went canoeing. I felt very proud of her.
It was a wonderful few days and I'm ready for next year. Next year though, I need a duffle bag.